Her Family
by Pandastriker
Summary: Meeting the Benson family can be harder than imagined. "Be prepared, bring your chainsaw." Future fic


**I don't own anything I may mention in this piece. If you want to sue me for using your name giant faceless corporations, honestly, you need to find better use for your time.**

…

A young man, no older than fifteen, stood at the front door of the large house, flowers in hand, and an uncomfortable sweater on. He tugged at the collar, trying to get the fabric into a more comfortable position, but the task proved impossible and he sighed to try and settle his erratic breathing.

Tonight wasn't the young man's first date he has ever had, but probably the most nerve-racking one in recent memory. First dates are always awkward and nervous, but tonight is apparently oh so special. Usually when he takes out girls, he doesn't have to deal with meeting the parents until the third, sometimes fourth date if he's lucky. But tonight, he wasn't so lucky.

"_If you don't meet my parents beforehand, they'll probably beat you senseless when we get back."_

"_Wouldn't they go to jail if they did that?"_

"_Wouldn't be the first time."_

_"Oh..."_

_"Yeah. Be prepared, bring your chainsaw."_

He wiped his forehead of the beads of sweat beginning to form there and tried to work up the courage to ring the doorbell. It was a massive house he was about to enter, and it only served to make him even more nervous. Her father was some big time CEO of a multibillion dollar corporation that he couldn't pronounce the name to, and she wasn't afraid to let people know that.

"_Yeah my Dad has more money than Wonka has Nerds. Jealous?"_

He finally rang the doorbell of the massive house and waited nervously, staring a hole into the ground of the front step. He readjusted his sweater again, and gripped the flowers harder, almost white knuckled as he waited, unbearably long for someone, anyone to open the door. He just wanted to get this experience over with so he can finally go on the date he had been waiting months for.

"_Describe your family in one word."_

"_One word__? Does bat-shit insane count as one word?"_

He finally heard some rustling around right on the other side of the door and he held his breath as the door swung open, revealing a tall middle-aged man, with a small smile on his face. The young man concluded that this must be her father.

"_My Dad is a great guy, caring and nurturing. Head of the household type, no matter what my Mom says about him. He'll be nice to you if you just stay quiet and laugh at his stupid jokes. I'm serious, laugh at all his jokes, or he'll hire people to do stuff to you while you sleep."_

"So you must be Chris?" he asked warmly and Chris just nodded slowly, nervousness closing his throat preventing him from speaking. "Calm down buddy, everything will be just fine. Come on in, Victoria is almost done getting ready." He said, leading the young man into the large house.

Chris looked around, amazed at how big and immaculate the house really was. "Come on into the living room, you can wait in there." Mr. Benson instructed and he followed him into the room, sitting down on the couch, flowers still clutched tightly in his hands.

"Just stick around and I'll be back in a little while. I need to check on my daughter. Nice sweater by the way." He said snickering, leaving the room and Chris alone, who was now more nervous than ever in the unfamiliar environment. He tried to busy himself with looking at the decorations of the house, and counting to one hundred until he heard someone coming down the stairs to his left.

He saw his date Victoria's twin sister Veronica walking down the stairs, her eyes glued to him the entire way. She had wavy long blonde hair, just a bit longer than her sister, and piercing blue eyes. Victoria said they looked a lot like her Mom when she was their age. He knew her from school obviously and he considered her a friend, and she was always nice to him in classes and at lunch, and it helped his nerves a little to see her come into the room.

"_You know Veronica. Were identical, except that I'm ten different types of awesome, and she's only like 9.8. She's a wild card. She might be nice, she might be mean, it just depends on her mood. Act like yourself and you should be fine. Probably. Kind of. Maybe…What were we talking about again?"_

She plopped down into the chair across from him, staring him down still. He shifted uncomfortably under her gaze and he finally worked up the courage to speak his first words of the evening "So Veronica, how's-"

"Shut it and listen up buddy." She cut him off sternly and he quieted, the minimal amount of confidence he had vanishing instantly. "I don't like you, got it? My Dad doesn't like you, my brothers don't like you, and my Mom doesn't like you. But for some reason, Victoria thinks she kind of digs you."

"Victoria is my twin sister, and I am as close as humanly possible to her. So if I catch even a whiff of you hurting her, or disappointing her in any way possible, I will hunt you down and beat your ass, then let my brothers finish you. You know, the ones that play football and hockey." She said and he gulped audibly, nodding his head.

"And that doesn't even count my parents." She said and he visibly paled even more, causing her to smirk proudly. "This family protects each other, and none of us are real keen on bringing anyone else into our circle. So you will do right by my sister, or you will see the consequences, you can count on it. Do you understand?"

"Ye-yes ma'am. I won't disappoint her." He croaked out.

"Good. Now I'm going to go help her finish getting ready, so just sit here and don't touch anything. Everything in this house costs more than your entire life. Queer sweater by the way." She said, getting up and walking away back up the stairs and he sighed, slumping his head and running a hand through his hair.

"My mom made me wear it." He told her uselessly and he just hoped Victoria would come down soon so they could get out of here as fast as possible.

"I thought I heard the doorbell." A deep voice rang behind him suddenly and he turned around to see a tall muscular looking teenager with short blonde hair and brown eyes come into view. Chris recognized him from his school, the senior captain of the football team, and one of Victoria's older brothers.

"_Ah James, my dear brother. I love that overgrown monkey. He loves me and Veronica a lot, and I'm not going to lie to you, when he learned that you asked me out, he hated your guts. He still does actually, and he told my other brother, and he hates your guts too. They're both big, strong guys that don't like guys talking to their sisters. Avoid them at all costs."_

"_What if I can't avoid them?"_

"_Then I sure hope your blood comes out of the carpet. But I do have some good news."_

"_What?"_

"_Ha just kidding. You should have seen your face though."_

"Hello James." Chris decided to be forward.

"Shut up dishrag. Speak only when spoken to." He snapped back and Chris ceased all noise making. He wasn't even sure if he was still breathing. James sat down in the chair that was just recently deserted by his sister and glared at Chris, and he looked away, intimidated. "What's with the gay sweater?"

"My mom made me wear it." He answered again.

"I don't like it, it makes me angry." He replied.

"I'm sorry sir." Chris said back quickly.

"So, you decided you wanted to take my sister out on a date." He began and Chris nodded, not saying a word, not wanting to upset him. "And you know Victoria has never been on a date before right?" again he nodded, not looking up.

"So you know that this is pretty special for her correct?" he asked and Chris nodded, glancing up to see him still glaring daggers through him. "Let me tell you a little story Chris." He said, leaning back in the chair, folding his hands in front of him, smirking. "And don't interrupt me."

"My other dear sister Veronica went on her first date a couple of months ago." He began. "You remember Ricky right?" he asked and Chris deduced that he wanted him to reply from the silence.

"Isn't that the kid that disappeared…a couple of months ago…"Chris trailed off, eyes widening.

"You can't prove that." James said quickly, before continuing. "Anyway, Veronica had taken a liking to the little punk and accepted the date he offered. Ricky came over and met all of us, and he was very rude Chris. So rude. He didn't laugh at my Dad's jokes, he avoided Victoria, and worst of all, he beat Jack and I at Madden. Are you good at Madden?"

"No sir, I'm terrible." He lied quickly and James nodded, accepting it.

"Good, I like to hear that. So good ole Ricky wasn't vetting very well, so after my Mom…_spoke to him_…Veronica and he went on their date. Oh and if I'm not clear enough, _spoke to him_ means threatening him until he wet himself. And we got the video proof." He said, grinning.

"Anyway, the moral of the story is don't be like Ricky, or bad stuff will end up happening to you." He said sternly, smirking at the end.

"How do I not be like Ricky?" he asked.

"Are you a male?" he asked and Chris gave him a weird look.

"Um…yes? Last time I checked at least." he replied.

"Then you failed. Thanks for playing though." He replied and was getting up out of his seat when a voice rang through the house.

"James, come up here for a minute!" a feminine voice yelled, that didn't sound like Veronica or Victoria's, so he guessed it was their mother. "And bring a sandwich!"

"But Mom, I was about to give him the Ricky treatment!" James yelled back and Chris gulped and leaned back into the couch, hoping it would swallow him or something.

"There will be plenty of time for that later! Bring me a sandwich!" she yelled back and he groaned, stomping towards the kitchen.

"Just sit there and don't touch anything." James told Chris as he stormed off and Chris let out a sigh of relief, putting his head in his palms, trying to calm his rapid heartbeat and breathing. He swears this whole thing is planned out, and knowing Victoria, she set it up just to mess with him.

He heard the front door slam and he cursed to himself. Another member of the Benson clan had apparently walked in, but thankfully there weren't many left he had to deal with. "Hey Dad, is the half pint punk taking Victoria out here yet?" he heard the deep male voice yell.

"In the living room!" Mr. Benson replied and Chris wanted to weep. This night just keeps getting better and better. Chris turned to see another one of Victoria's brothers walk in to the living room, dropping the large bag he was carrying on the ground, glaring at Chris like everyone else did. What is with this family? Victoria definitely set this up. It's like they were freaking tag teaming.

He flopped into the same chair that his sister and brother were in, crossed his arms over his chest. He was apparently the only sibling with brown hair, and he had deep brown eyes. He was a little taller than James, but just as built, and just as mean.

"_Jacky boy, my very own college man, the first born, and the pride of the Benson clan. He's the best brother a girl could ask for. He and James are really protective of Veronica and I, and like I said before, they hate you, a lot. Jack isn't the kind of guy to beat around the bush or mess with you like James will, so I implore you to just shut your mouth and maybe you won't offend him. But you probably will, just by being there."_

"_Then it's a lose- lose situation?"_

"_Has anything I said made you believe dating me was a win-win?"_

"I don't like your sweater. It looks like a blind guy peed on it." He said.

"My mom made me wear it." Chris replied back.

"Shut up and listen to me." He said sternly. "Victoria seems really excited about this date with you, it's all she's been talking about for a week." He said and Chris fought off the urge to smile. "A lot of guys don't go after Victoria because they're intimidated or scared by her, and that's just how we like it around here."

"So since you aren't intimidated by her, I guess we just have to do it for her. Are you a virgin Chris?" he asked suddenly and Chris spluttered, going wide-eyed.

"Um…that's kind of personal." He replied and Jack narrowed his eyes.

"You're going on a date with my sister, it's necessary information." He said venomously.

He gulped "Yes sir, I'm a virgin." He replied, blushing.

"Good, and that's how you're going to stay tonight, got it? You touch my sister or look at my sister below her neck, I won't hesitate to rip it off." He said and Chris nodded, breaking out in a cold sweat. "What was the plan for the date?" he asked.

"Dinner and a movie sir." He said nervously.

"At dinner, you get a four person table and sit at opposite ends, and let her order anything and everything she wants, which will probably be everything anyway. At the movie, it will be either an action movie or comedy, and you have to sit two seats apart so there will be no chance of contact between you two." He said.

"Um…okay." Chris replied.

"I'm serious Chris, I need a strong commitment from you or James and I will be accompanying you on this date." He glared.

"With all due respect, I have a hard time believing you _won't_ follow us." He said, afraid for a moment he may have stepped out of bounds. Jack was silent for a moment, until his look changed from a glare, to just regular hatred and disappointment.

"You aren't as dumb as Victoria said you were." He praised lightly.

"Thanks…wait a second." He said, realizing what he said but Jack cut him off with a wave of his hand.

"Shut up. You will abide by my parameters I've set, or we will have a serious problem. You will do right by my sister, and you will treat her kindly and with respect. I don't want to have my baby sister crying to me, begging me to break your knee caps because you hurt her. But if she does, I'm coming after you." He said and Chris nodded, clearing the lump in his throat.

Chris heard footsteps to his left and he saw the rest of the Benson family come into the living room. Veronica sat down next to James on one of the other couches, and Jack got up of the chair and sat on the other side of Veronica. A blonde woman took his place in the chair, and Mr. Benson stood leaning behind the chair, his hands on his wife's shoulders.

But still no Victoria. Crap.

"How are you Mrs. Benson?" he asked nervously, and she glared at him, and when she did, he felt more fear shoot through him than ever before, knowing that this glare was the one that started them all.

"Don't call me Mrs. Benson, every time I hear that I look over my shoulder for his crazy mother." She said, gesturing to her husband behind her, who just rolled his eyes in response. "You may call me Ma'am, the Big Cheese, the grand master, or nothing at all. I don't want to hear your whiny little voice anyway." She began.

"_My Mom is the greatest. She's like my freaking role model. She taught me everything, from how to dress, to how to hotwire a Cadillac, to even how to manipulate my Dad into getting anything I want. Aside from that though, she isn't…a typical 'Mom'."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Whoa cowboy did I say this was sing-a-long time? Let me finish. Anyway, usually when you think gruff, overprotective parent, you think father, but that isn't so in the Benson family. If she wants someone beat with a rubber hose, she'll do it herself. Which is one reason why she's the greatest. My Dad usually has to be the voice of reason, but it's rare he succeeds."_

"_So then how do I deal with her?"_

"_You don't, it's simple. Just sit there and accept everything she says, and if Dad can get her into a good enough mood beforehand, you might leave my house with all your fingers intact. At least until I call Jack and James if you're being a prick."_

"So how are you feeling son?" Mr. Benson asked before his wife could continue and Chris stopped, waiting to see if he really should answer. Mrs. Benson didn't look too happy, as she was glaring at the man behind her.

"Truly terrified Sir." He answered shakily.

"Good." Mrs. Benson said, and she refocused her attention on him. "I just want to get a few things straight before I can allow you to be near my daughter. Before you get any ideas, my daughter is superior to you in every imaginable way. She is clearly better looking than you, smarter than you, faster than you, stronger than you, I think you get the point. If you think anything else, leave." She said and he didn't make a move to leave.

"Okay, moving on. You are also _never_ to refer to her in a name other than Victoria. No 'babe, or 'honey', or 'sweetie'. I don't want you to even shorten her name into Vicki, or Vick or anything like that. She doesn't like any of that sort of stuff." She said and he already knew that, but didn't comment.

"_You call me anything other than the name my parents gave me at birth, I'll break your arm."_

Mrs. Benson threw a folded piece of paper at him, and he grabbed it and looked at her oddly. "That is a list of rules you will abide by if you are going to date my daughter, and continue to date my daughter." She said. He unfolded the paper and began to read the writing, everyone in the room staring him down.

Rule One: No touching, under any circumstances. No exceptions.

Rule Two: No looking, under any circumstances. No exceptions.

Rule Three: The following are places off limits if you two are within thirty feet of one another: No place near water, no place where Victoria will require less than two layers of clothing, no place where you will laugh and have a good time, no place enclosed with walls and no witnesses, no place where two grown men can't fit, no place you like, and no place where you can't be spied upon if need be.

Rule Four: No making my daughter unhappy. In this rule, punishment will be done ala Middle Ages style. You make her cry, I make you cry harder. You hurt her, I hurt you harder. You make her discontent, I keep your right hand as a trophy. (Punishment subject to change. Harder.)

Rule Five: Your happiness is of no importance, only hers. If you are both happy, then nothing will happen to your appendages. If you are both sad, she is allowed to beat you senseless, then it is my turn, then my husband's, then Veronica's, then James, then Jack. (Order subject to change, punishment is NOT). If she is sad, and you are happy, same punishment. If she is happy, and you are sad, you are safe. (Note: This is the preferred outcome).

Rule Six: While dating my daughter, you are not to be interested in other women, at all. She will use you as she pleases, and when she is done with you, she will throw you away, and at that point is when you may pursue other interests, if granted by Victoria. If she doesn't grant you the freedom, you better hope you turn out to be gay.

Rule Seven: the following is a list of approved conversation pieces. If it is not on this list, you are not to talk about it. No exceptions.

The weather

Public Access television

Movies from the 1940s

The New York Mets

Abstinence

Country music singers

The stock market

The guy from the Old Spice commercials

How rich we are

How poor you are in comparison

How pretty Victoria is (Remember though, no looking)

Polar Bears

Toothpaste

Rule Eight: See Rule Nine

Rule Nine: See Rule Eight

Rule Ten: You break any of these rules, I am legally obligated to 'break' you. Whatever that may mean, is up to me.

Chris looked up from the paper, ten shades whiter than normal, to see six pairs of eyes staring back at him, all with identical looks of amusement on their faces. He felt infinitely better finally seeing Victoria amongst them and he let out a sigh of relief. "When did you get here Victoria?" he asked, his voice breaking in the middle of his sentence, causing her to laugh at him.

"About rule four probably." She said, amusement lighting her eyes.

"Have you read this already?" he asked, holding up the paper in question.

"Who do you think helped Mom write it?" she asked and he honestly couldn't say he was surprised.

"So are you ready to get out of here? These are for you by the way." he said, giving her the flowers he had held onto for so long.

"Oh, thank you. Let's get out of here" She said and he swore he saw a faint blush on her cheeks and wanted to break out into song and dance as she said bye to all her family members, but he kept himself subdued.

Finally they got outside the house and he escorted her to his car, until she whirled on him with a smirk on her face "So what do you think of my family?"

"They're…passionate?" he began. "But I can tell they care about you, which is nice to see. By the way, just to let you know, I was threatened with bodily harm around fifteen times tonight."

"Impressed?" she asked.

"Not the word I would use, but it sure is interesting." He said.

"You still want to date me, knowing what you know now?" she asked and her body language was challenging, like she was daring him to say yes, to prove a point. He simply grinned and opened the passenger door of his car for her.

"I can handle it."

"Good. And for the love of all things holy, take that sweater off. It looks like a raccoon gave birth on it."

…

"That couldn't have gone better." Sam laughed manically, entering her bedroom with her husband. "That kid looked like he wanted hang himself!"

"I think we made our point." He replied to her as she continued to laugh, flopping onto their bed.

"We better have, because I was dead serious." She replied, quieting down her laughter, staring up at him.

"I don't like the idea of her dating random guys as much as you do, but we need to trust her to make her own decisions, and to go after the right guys. She's a lot smarter than she lets on." He replied, sitting on the bed next to her, his hand lying gently on her knee.

"I trust her, I don't trust everyone else though. That guy seemed too goody-two-shoes, like he was trying to impress us or something." She said.

"Or maybe he likes Victoria enough to not want to offend us before he even had a chance to really get to know her." He reasoned and she rolled her eyes.

"Oh Fredward, you need to learn to distrust people as easily as I do." She said, scooting closer to him on the bed.

"I'm working on it." He said and she laughed. "But I honestly think this guy is harmless, but I did send Jack and James to covertly watch them all night. He makes any sort of move, they'll be there." He said and she nodded.

"I like to hear that." She said and then sighed.

"What's the matter?" he asked and she sat up and put her head on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his waist from behind.

"Victoria was the last one in the family to have never been on a date. I'm just disappointed I don't get to do this again." She pouted and he chuckled.

"Well, we could just always make another one." He suggested and she pulled him down onto the bed.

"I like the way you think."

_Honestly, my family may be insane and violent, but they've always been there for me and always will be. Were close knitted, and my parents and siblings are always supportive, with me through thick and thin. Were protective of each other, and always have the family's best interest at heart, not just the individual. And I wouldn't trade that for the world._

…

**This story was sitting on my laptop for awhile, so I decided to proofread it, bolster it a little, and shove it on here. Tell me what you think.**

**Peace.**


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